Existential Crisis

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

i have a propensity to procrastinate (say that ten times fast).  perhaps i avoid the things i really don’t want to do, or more problematic, i postpone the necessary because i’m afraid of failing–which will ultimately happen with a lack of planning and execution.  i should stop and ask myself, self, do you realize that in stopping to write this blog post you are essentially practicing the act of procrastination rather that counteracting it by actually doing work…as i said, i should.  i won’t because that may be productive and that would no longer be procrastinating.  if nothing else i am consistent.  (i just had to take a moment to examine my hair to see if i have split ends and could justify a hair cut tomorrow–more procrastination).  it’s now 11pm and i rarely stay up this late.  i could have gone for karaoke because it would have been fun and i didn’t get the paper written anyway.  hmmm.  if i didn’t drink that WHOLE pot of coffee i would go to bed.  i’m not awake, i’m not able to sleep…i guess this is purgatory.

this year i turned 29.  i am a prime.  my age that is.  i know that it’s odd for me to make a mathematical reference.  i thought about it because people are always trying to determine when you are in or out of the prime of your life.  how is it determined.  who sets the standards.  who reexamines them to ensure that they are not antiquated.  why can’t we do it for ourselves? why do we allow ourselves to live by someone else’s standards?

i am in my prime.  i am now–and intend to be for a great deal of time.  i am in my prime because i choose to be.  i live life consciously not only aware of myself, but aware of others.  i do not allow my past to dictate in finite terms my present or my future.  i am open. i am taking in all that life has to offer me and unleashing my unlimited potential.  i have it all ahead of me and i’m running towards it.  i am prime.

i shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat to step to
ok, but really it has been quite some time now since i’ve posted anything on my blog.  i have news, not grand news, but news.

• i’ve started my own business (and I’m so excited I just can’t hide it)
• i’m moving out–as soon as the remodel is complete (i’ve got this amazing design for the interior and i can’t wait to have a housewarming party)
• i’m going to finish school (save the i told you so’s)
• i’m fabulous

there it is…all my news (well mostly the important stuff)