Existential Crisis

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

i have a propensity to procrastinate (say that ten times fast).  perhaps i avoid the things i really don’t want to do, or more problematic, i postpone the necessary because i’m afraid of failing–which will ultimately happen with a lack of planning and execution.  i should stop and ask myself, self, do you realize that in stopping to write this blog post you are essentially practicing the act of procrastination rather that counteracting it by actually doing work…as i said, i should.  i won’t because that may be productive and that would no longer be procrastinating.  if nothing else i am consistent.  (i just had to take a moment to examine my hair to see if i have split ends and could justify a hair cut tomorrow–more procrastination).  it’s now 11pm and i rarely stay up this late.  i could have gone for karaoke because it would have been fun and i didn’t get the paper written anyway.  hmmm.  if i didn’t drink that WHOLE pot of coffee i would go to bed.  i’m not awake, i’m not able to sleep…i guess this is purgatory.

I’ve spent my entire adolescence and the remainder of my youth running from myself. It’s a race I lost, because I keep finding myself waiting for me at the finish line. She stands there with an omniscient air about her, as if she already knew I was coming and that I would be surprised, but relieved to see her. She embraces me. She weeps with me. She reassures me. She sends me off again. Each time knowing, exactly where I will end up and stands there waiting for me to arrive. She is not me, for I am but a shadow of my former self. She is who I no longer am and who I long to be, once again. She is grace, beauty, strength, and knowledge. I am abounding insecurities, succumbing weaknesses, and questioning intellect. She is innocence and experience. She is the starting point and the finish line. I am lost, somewhere along the way.

i’m going to start a few days early. i will not wait until 2010 to detail the highlights of 2009. it’s not that i don’t expect anything great to happen over the next few days, but i may as well do it now as it is on my mind.

2009 was a year of traveling and visiting people i had not seen for a while.  i returned from Tampa in January via a road trip with my sister.  we stopped in Savannah and visited the quaint southern city for the first time. i will visit again.  in march i went to Sacramento.  it was the first time i went that far west.  i LOVED it.  in june i went to Durham for Valentine’s graduation with my mother and two nieces.  this trip was LONG overdue as we hung out with an extension of our family (that’s what you call friends who are so close they may as well be related somehow).  in december i went to Trinidad and Tobago with my mother father and two sisters for my cousin Natasha’s wedding.  we spent a lot of time with family members we only see every couple years.  i met some family members for the first time and gained a few more as a result of the wedding.  i’m excited to spend more time with them all soon.  intertwined with all of these more monumental trips there were smaller excursions to philly, nyc, jersey, maryland and delaware.

2009 was a year of the bridesmaid dress. two of my cousins were married, both of whom requested that i be a bridesmaid in their weddings.  the first in july.  patrice and pete celebrated their union with chocolate sunset wedding amidst the chaotic 4th of july weekend.  natasha and john wed in true island fashion at a villa in tobago.  tents shaded the attendees from the island sun during the ceremony and the poolside reception with the ocean sunset view set the ambiance for an unforgettable party.

2009 was a year to test boundaries. i tried a lot of new things, stepped outside of the box and realized that i enjoy my life a lot more when i do not constrain myself.

2009 was a year to reacquaint with old friends and let go of the past. i started to hang out with people i had not seen since high school. i have soo much fun with nilla and chocolate.  they even gave me my own nickname “kid karamel”.  we have an uninhibited blast.  we celebrate being a HOTT MESS.  i need people like them in my life to keep me from taking myself or anything else too seriously.

2009 was the year of the cougar.

2009 was great! i am happy with the life i’ve led and hopeful for more of it in 2010…

i seem to have strange experiences every time i decide to leave the house after 10pm…this past saturday night was no exception.  i agreed to meet some friends from high school at the meeting place. upon arrival i was distracted by the country/rock band playing, but i went in anyway.  i was greeted by an obviously drunk woman who remarked about my being black as i excused myself past her to get to the back patio.  i sat-evaluating my surroundings (looking for the nearest entrance in the event of a brawl).  i should probably also mention that i stood out not only because i’m not white, but because i’m me.  yes, that means i show up at the bar in 5″ gladiator heels, cream organic cotton skinny jeans, a long white tee and a denim vest with my curly hair in a wet french braid under a cute hat.  so…even if i were not the 2nd darkest person there (thanks ness for being the darkest) i kinda stood out.  back to the story so i sat and she walks up to me and begins a diatribe prefaced by her statement about not being racist which included statements like “for a black girl you’re beautiful” and “i’m sure you think you’re fat cuz you can’t fit into misses sizes, but black women are big and that can be beautiful” as if she’s an expert because she sits in her trailer all day watching daytime talk shows!!!!! really? what about i know i’m beautiful and i don’t require drunkened validation.  these people just have no idea! I AM A DIVA!