“you do what you are”
for as long as i can remember i’ve been told that i’d was a pretty girl and i’d make a great wife and mother because i’m kind, generous, patient and understanding. few memories stand out where someone affirms my intellect declaring that i’d make a difference in the world by doing something great independent of my role as someone’s wife or mother. part of my existential crisis stems from this dichotomy–this inability to reconcile the two halves–not being able to overlap either of the two parts and maintaining this strict delineation. for some reason i cannot see myself as having any combination. i remain strictly compartmentalized. i stand at a fork in the road fairly certain where each path leads, but unsure why they cannot intertwine. i conceptualize each path independent of the other, because they are mutually exclusive.
we are not defined by what we do, but have within us a gift or talent that leads us to whatever it is we do in life. i sit here thinking about my gift. troubled by the thought that my only skill would be someone’s wife and mother. perhaps it’s my own selfishness to think that i should expect my life to be greater than that–that i should have some grand purpose beyond my natural abilty to procreate–but i don’t want this dillusion of grandeur to dissipate.