Existential Crisis

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

if i were to see a psychologist i might be told that i have a superhero complex which causes me to seek out relationships where i can save someone.  it’s true.  i feel like i have to save everyone.  i’m maternal and protective and in some instances i really do try to save people.  i’m not a superhero-not even close.  i have to stop trying to make everyone and everything better.  it’s wears me out.  i’m exhausted from these gravity defying feats, these superhuman skills and this expectations that my tank never runs dry.  i completely understand why evil sometimes overcomes because being good all of the time is draining.  not that i’m going to change and be bad.  i’m still going to be good, i just can’t be everyone else’s good.

this year i turned 29.  i am a prime.  my age that is.  i know that it’s odd for me to make a mathematical reference.  i thought about it because people are always trying to determine when you are in or out of the prime of your life.  how is it determined.  who sets the standards.  who reexamines them to ensure that they are not antiquated.  why can’t we do it for ourselves? why do we allow ourselves to live by someone else’s standards?

i am in my prime.  i am now–and intend to be for a great deal of time.  i am in my prime because i choose to be.  i live life consciously not only aware of myself, but aware of others.  i do not allow my past to dictate in finite terms my present or my future.  i am open. i am taking in all that life has to offer me and unleashing my unlimited potential.  i have it all ahead of me and i’m running towards it.  i am prime.

i have come to realize that i put myself in compromising situations.  i act without thinking through the outcomes of my actions and somehow expect that things will work out.  they usually do, but at some point i have to start being more proactive about my life.  i have to stop thinking about my hopes, dreams and ambitions as lofty goals that may or may not be reached and begin to see them as actual outcome based on a sequence of specific actions.  maybe i need to have a little more faith in myself.  perhaps it has more to do with belief in my abilities or my general lack thereof.  i do well to help others to realize their potential, to achieve their goals, but there is a part of me that is either afraid of failure or afraid of success that i prefer to sideline my own desires.  maybe that’s it.  it very well could be that for most of my life i have been taught to shy away from the attention, turn my back on the spotlight that what i fear most is not failure (for failures happen every day) but success.  if i were to actually succeed-to accomplish my goals, dreams and ambitions-what then would i do?

i sometimes worry that i’ve already made my life too complicated.  i’ve indebted myself too much to too many things that really were not worthwhile.  i’ve spent time, effort and energy on things that no longer matter and never really did at all.  i’d really like to walk away from it all because i know that the Things that i have acquired are inconsequential.  but, to walk away now means that i can never return and i’m not good with finality.

i once held firmly to the belief that we are all destined for greatness and the choices we made during our lifetimes would determine whether or not our destiny would be fulfilled.  at some point in my life i stopped believing in myself.  instead of seeking my own path-that which would lead to my fulfillment of dreams-i chose to become a facilitator of others dreams a catalyst towards their greatness.  sometimes i feel as though i should be satisfied with helping others.  for as long as i can remember i was taught that to helping someone else is infinitely better than being selfish and just doing for yourself.  i have to admit…i’m not happy.  and, worst of all, i feel guilty for not being happy about it.  i want to be happy with myself because without that i will never be happy with someone else.  i need to reevaluate my current road and reconfigure my GPS to lead me back onto my own path towards greatness