Existential Crisis

It’s like I can’t seem to help myself, my mind wanders and then instantly I’m there. I never planned on venturing down that road, but one step leads to another and I’m so close that there is no point turning back so I press forward. I’m drawn to it. I should have learned by now to let it go & walk away. I’m not certain if it is my desire for knowledge, curiosity or a sixth sense. Somehow everytime I keep hoping that I’ll prove myself wrong, but I don’t…when will I learn?

just when you think you’ve got things figured out, you’re starting to make sense of what life has placed in your path and you seem to find a clearing in the foggy haze of life–SURPRISE–

i’m not saying that all surprises are bad or un-welcomed, but COME ON!!! I know I’m just complaining and there are so many things in my life I should really just be in the holiday spirit and be thankful for, but I can’t.  I need to bitch and complain because if I didn’t then I’ve be subjecting you to a surprise and you really don’t want that either.

sidebar: i’m drinking a really great bottle (yes, bottle) of wine.  Moscato (my new favorite because it’s light, sweet and smooth going down) FYI the Asti version happens to be all bubbly & like a little celebration in a bottle.

with that i’ve already forgotten what i was complaining about. probably because i’m on my second glass….so take that!

if i were to see a psychologist i might be told that i have a superhero complex which causes me to seek out relationships where i can save someone.  it’s true.  i feel like i have to save everyone.  i’m maternal and protective and in some instances i really do try to save people.  i’m not a superhero-not even close.  i have to stop trying to make everyone and everything better.  it’s wears me out.  i’m exhausted from these gravity defying feats, these superhuman skills and this expectations that my tank never runs dry.  i completely understand why evil sometimes overcomes because being good all of the time is draining.  not that i’m going to change and be bad.  i’m still going to be good, i just can’t be everyone else’s good.

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. -Leo Buscaglia

I’ve spent a significant amount of time over the last few weeks thinking about death.  I am not grieving, I have not recently lost anyone, but I know someone who has.  Death is an inescapable reality, but somehow it remains a difficult concept to comprehend.  The absence of life is easy, but death itself is more complex.  While some argue that after life the only existence left is the memory of those who remain I choose to believe/hope that there is more.  I’ve spent years engrossed in poetry that dealt with death, loss, suffering and grief.  I still have hope.  Regardless of the suffering I’ve seen or experienced I still have hope.

yesterday was valentines day.  by wednesday it will be 75% off and i am sure that they already have the easter candy out too.  the quote for valentines day would have to be when pastor john williams said “all the single ladies, all the single ladies” in church…i almost fell out! i spent my day with some lovely ladies and had a great time chatting it up after lunch (we must have sat there for another 30-40 minutes after we finished eating).  i didn’t feel lonely for most of my day, but then around 10pm something changed.  i probably should have gone to bed at 9…well, i have decided that i am not single! i refuse to allow a word that is synonymous with loneliness describe my current state.  i am available.  yes, that’s right…AVAILABLE, but who knows for how long.

now that we’re done discussing yet another consumer holiday and how disappointing it is…my birthday is in about 2 weeks. my plans include a trip to philly with some friends to chill, a trip to cali for some sun and my new bold and beautiful blackberry.