Existential Crisis

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. -Leo Buscaglia

I’ve spent a significant amount of time over the last few weeks thinking about death.  I am not grieving, I have not recently lost anyone, but I know someone who has.  Death is an inescapable reality, but somehow it remains a difficult concept to comprehend.  The absence of life is easy, but death itself is more complex.  While some argue that after life the only existence left is the memory of those who remain I choose to believe/hope that there is more.  I’ve spent years engrossed in poetry that dealt with death, loss, suffering and grief.  I still have hope.  Regardless of the suffering I’ve seen or experienced I still have hope.

I’ve spent my entire adolescence and the remainder of my youth running from myself. It’s a race I lost, because I keep finding myself waiting for me at the finish line. She stands there with an omniscient air about her, as if she already knew I was coming and that I would be surprised, but relieved to see her. She embraces me. She weeps with me. She reassures me. She sends me off again. Each time knowing, exactly where I will end up and stands there waiting for me to arrive. She is not me, for I am but a shadow of my former self. She is who I no longer am and who I long to be, once again. She is grace, beauty, strength, and knowledge. I am abounding insecurities, succumbing weaknesses, and questioning intellect. She is innocence and experience. She is the starting point and the finish line. I am lost, somewhere along the way.

i have come to realize that i put myself in compromising situations.  i act without thinking through the outcomes of my actions and somehow expect that things will work out.  they usually do, but at some point i have to start being more proactive about my life.  i have to stop thinking about my hopes, dreams and ambitions as lofty goals that may or may not be reached and begin to see them as actual outcome based on a sequence of specific actions.  maybe i need to have a little more faith in myself.  perhaps it has more to do with belief in my abilities or my general lack thereof.  i do well to help others to realize their potential, to achieve their goals, but there is a part of me that is either afraid of failure or afraid of success that i prefer to sideline my own desires.  maybe that’s it.  it very well could be that for most of my life i have been taught to shy away from the attention, turn my back on the spotlight that what i fear most is not failure (for failures happen every day) but success.  if i were to actually succeed-to accomplish my goals, dreams and ambitions-what then would i do?

i sometimes worry that i’ve already made my life too complicated.  i’ve indebted myself too much to too many things that really were not worthwhile.  i’ve spent time, effort and energy on things that no longer matter and never really did at all.  i’d really like to walk away from it all because i know that the Things that i have acquired are inconsequential.  but, to walk away now means that i can never return and i’m not good with finality.

yesterday evening i didn’t feel too well so i went to bed a bit earlier than usual (which means i was in bed before 7pm). i knew that going to sleep would mean i would be awake just after midnight ready to start my day and tired again before it actually began.  i found a novel i didn’t know i owned.  it was the type of book i generally would not read.  i’m not trying to come across as a literary snob because i am a fan of chic lit, but i oftentimes reconcile the genre as a modern reflection of the 19th century novels by women.  at any rate, there i was in bed reading a graphic ghetto novel.  by the third chapter i was entranced.  the writing style was basic, but that made it so much easier for me superimpose myself and my concept of the characters as i read.  by 11pm i lay the book back on the shelf smiling at the predictable but heartwarming ending.  i had laughed out loud and several times felt the tears welling up in my eyes.  i would not say this was the best novel i’d ever read, but last night i was moved by it.  maybe it had as much to do with my own life as it did the story as i could see parts of myself–my past, present and future–in the young heroine.  regardless, it was a reminder of why i love to read.  the joy i get from deeply submerging myself in the text and becoming something more that i ever imagined i could be is inexplicable.  within the finely crafted literature my life has intertwined with historical figures and fictional characters.  most importantly it is through the reflections of them that i learn more about myself and begin to see not only who i am, but who i long to be…

i’m going to start a few days early. i will not wait until 2010 to detail the highlights of 2009. it’s not that i don’t expect anything great to happen over the next few days, but i may as well do it now as it is on my mind.

2009 was a year of traveling and visiting people i had not seen for a while.  i returned from Tampa in January via a road trip with my sister.  we stopped in Savannah and visited the quaint southern city for the first time. i will visit again.  in march i went to Sacramento.  it was the first time i went that far west.  i LOVED it.  in june i went to Durham for Valentine’s graduation with my mother and two nieces.  this trip was LONG overdue as we hung out with an extension of our family (that’s what you call friends who are so close they may as well be related somehow).  in december i went to Trinidad and Tobago with my mother father and two sisters for my cousin Natasha’s wedding.  we spent a lot of time with family members we only see every couple years.  i met some family members for the first time and gained a few more as a result of the wedding.  i’m excited to spend more time with them all soon.  intertwined with all of these more monumental trips there were smaller excursions to philly, nyc, jersey, maryland and delaware.

2009 was a year of the bridesmaid dress. two of my cousins were married, both of whom requested that i be a bridesmaid in their weddings.  the first in july.  patrice and pete celebrated their union with chocolate sunset wedding amidst the chaotic 4th of july weekend.  natasha and john wed in true island fashion at a villa in tobago.  tents shaded the attendees from the island sun during the ceremony and the poolside reception with the ocean sunset view set the ambiance for an unforgettable party.

2009 was a year to test boundaries. i tried a lot of new things, stepped outside of the box and realized that i enjoy my life a lot more when i do not constrain myself.

2009 was a year to reacquaint with old friends and let go of the past. i started to hang out with people i had not seen since high school. i have soo much fun with nilla and chocolate.  they even gave me my own nickname “kid karamel”.  we have an uninhibited blast.  we celebrate being a HOTT MESS.  i need people like them in my life to keep me from taking myself or anything else too seriously.

2009 was the year of the cougar.

2009 was great! i am happy with the life i’ve led and hopeful for more of it in 2010…