Existential Crisis

if i were to see a psychologist i might be told that i have a superhero complex which causes me to seek out relationships where i can save someone.  it’s true.  i feel like i have to save everyone.  i’m maternal and protective and in some instances i really do try to save people.  i’m not a superhero-not even close.  i have to stop trying to make everyone and everything better.  it’s wears me out.  i’m exhausted from these gravity defying feats, these superhuman skills and this expectations that my tank never runs dry.  i completely understand why evil sometimes overcomes because being good all of the time is draining.  not that i’m going to change and be bad.  i’m still going to be good, i just can’t be everyone else’s good.

i have a propensity to procrastinate (say that ten times fast).  perhaps i avoid the things i really don’t want to do, or more problematic, i postpone the necessary because i’m afraid of failing–which will ultimately happen with a lack of planning and execution.  i should stop and ask myself, self, do you realize that in stopping to write this blog post you are essentially practicing the act of procrastination rather that counteracting it by actually doing work…as i said, i should.  i won’t because that may be productive and that would no longer be procrastinating.  if nothing else i am consistent.  (i just had to take a moment to examine my hair to see if i have split ends and could justify a hair cut tomorrow–more procrastination).  it’s now 11pm and i rarely stay up this late.  i could have gone for karaoke because it would have been fun and i didn’t get the paper written anyway.  hmmm.  if i didn’t drink that WHOLE pot of coffee i would go to bed.  i’m not awake, i’m not able to sleep…i guess this is purgatory.

this year i turned 29.  i am a prime.  my age that is.  i know that it’s odd for me to make a mathematical reference.  i thought about it because people are always trying to determine when you are in or out of the prime of your life.  how is it determined.  who sets the standards.  who reexamines them to ensure that they are not antiquated.  why can’t we do it for ourselves? why do we allow ourselves to live by someone else’s standards?

i am in my prime.  i am now–and intend to be for a great deal of time.  i am in my prime because i choose to be.  i live life consciously not only aware of myself, but aware of others.  i do not allow my past to dictate in finite terms my present or my future.  i am open. i am taking in all that life has to offer me and unleashing my unlimited potential.  i have it all ahead of me and i’m running towards it.  i am prime.

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. -Leo Buscaglia

I’ve spent a significant amount of time over the last few weeks thinking about death.  I am not grieving, I have not recently lost anyone, but I know someone who has.  Death is an inescapable reality, but somehow it remains a difficult concept to comprehend.  The absence of life is easy, but death itself is more complex.  While some argue that after life the only existence left is the memory of those who remain I choose to believe/hope that there is more.  I’ve spent years engrossed in poetry that dealt with death, loss, suffering and grief.  I still have hope.  Regardless of the suffering I’ve seen or experienced I still have hope.

yesterday was valentines day.  by wednesday it will be 75% off and i am sure that they already have the easter candy out too.  the quote for valentines day would have to be when pastor john williams said “all the single ladies, all the single ladies” in church…i almost fell out! i spent my day with some lovely ladies and had a great time chatting it up after lunch (we must have sat there for another 30-40 minutes after we finished eating).  i didn’t feel lonely for most of my day, but then around 10pm something changed.  i probably should have gone to bed at 9…well, i have decided that i am not single! i refuse to allow a word that is synonymous with loneliness describe my current state.  i am available.  yes, that’s right…AVAILABLE, but who knows for how long.

now that we’re done discussing yet another consumer holiday and how disappointing it is…my birthday is in about 2 weeks. my plans include a trip to philly with some friends to chill, a trip to cali for some sun and my new bold and beautiful blackberry.