Existential Crisis

It’s like I can’t seem to help myself, my mind wanders and then instantly I’m there. I never planned on venturing down that road, but one step leads to another and I’m so close that there is no point turning back so I press forward. I’m drawn to it. I should have learned by now to let it go & walk away. I’m not certain if it is my desire for knowledge, curiosity or a sixth sense. Somehow everytime I keep hoping that I’ll prove myself wrong, but I don’t…when will I learn?

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

I’ve relocated. It’s almost official. As official as it could get because I’m living and working in New Jersey, but I won’t change my license or anything because insurance is cheaper in PA. So much has changed and still so much is exactly the same.  I have so much to say and yet, I don’t want to say anything at all so that I’m able to just live in the moment without spending too much time reflecting and planning.

This is an amazing city with great history and beautiful architecture.  Every time I walk downtown I see another building I’d love to renovate.  So much is happening to bring this city back to the splendor of it’s past.  I want to get involved. We’ll see how it all pans out…

I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately…by music I mean that I’ve got an interesting collection of Pandora stations that vary from jazz, bluegrass, classical, classic rock, 80’s dance/pop/electronica, dance, hip-hop, r&b and salsa.  My favorites are the smooth and sultry sounds of 1920’s-1950’s crooners.  I also love the poetics of Jill Scott and the sense of emotion she portrays in her songs.  Today this particular section of the song Love Rain made me smile.

The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging my eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens
The mistake was made
Love slipped from my lips
Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap
And us became new
Now me non-clairvoyant and in love
Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible
The rain was falling
And I couldn’t see the season changing
And the vibe slipping off it’s axis
Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato
The rain was falling and I could not see
That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized
And left to drown in his sunny afternoon

I think the song addresses an experience many people have had-to be lost in and consumed by love to the extent that it “made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible”.  It is fitting that I chose this song considering the intense rain storm we had here today

I’ve spent my entire adolescence and the remainder of my youth running from myself. It’s a race I lost, because I keep finding myself waiting for me at the finish line. She stands there with an omniscient air about her, as if she already knew I was coming and that I would be surprised, but relieved to see her. She embraces me. She weeps with me. She reassures me. She sends me off again. Each time knowing, exactly where I will end up and stands there waiting for me to arrive. She is not me, for I am but a shadow of my former self. She is who I no longer am and who I long to be, once again. She is grace, beauty, strength, and knowledge. I am abounding insecurities, succumbing weaknesses, and questioning intellect. She is innocence and experience. She is the starting point and the finish line. I am lost, somewhere along the way.