Existential Crisis

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

just when you think you’ve got things figured out, you’re starting to make sense of what life has placed in your path and you seem to find a clearing in the foggy haze of life–SURPRISE–

i’m not saying that all surprises are bad or un-welcomed, but COME ON!!! I know I’m just complaining and there are so many things in my life I should really just be in the holiday spirit and be thankful for, but I can’t.  I need to bitch and complain because if I didn’t then I’ve be subjecting you to a surprise and you really don’t want that either.

sidebar: i’m drinking a really great bottle (yes, bottle) of wine.  Moscato (my new favorite because it’s light, sweet and smooth going down) FYI the Asti version happens to be all bubbly & like a little celebration in a bottle.

with that i’ve already forgotten what i was complaining about. probably because i’m on my second glass….so take that!

if i were to see a psychologist i might be told that i have a superhero complex which causes me to seek out relationships where i can save someone.  it’s true.  i feel like i have to save everyone.  i’m maternal and protective and in some instances i really do try to save people.  i’m not a superhero-not even close.  i have to stop trying to make everyone and everything better.  it’s wears me out.  i’m exhausted from these gravity defying feats, these superhuman skills and this expectations that my tank never runs dry.  i completely understand why evil sometimes overcomes because being good all of the time is draining.  not that i’m going to change and be bad.  i’m still going to be good, i just can’t be everyone else’s good.

I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately…by music I mean that I’ve got an interesting collection of Pandora stations that vary from jazz, bluegrass, classical, classic rock, 80’s dance/pop/electronica, dance, hip-hop, r&b and salsa.  My favorites are the smooth and sultry sounds of 1920’s-1950’s crooners.  I also love the poetics of Jill Scott and the sense of emotion she portrays in her songs.  Today this particular section of the song Love Rain made me smile.

The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging my eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens
The mistake was made
Love slipped from my lips
Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap
And us became new
Now me non-clairvoyant and in love
Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible
The rain was falling
And I couldn’t see the season changing
And the vibe slipping off it’s axis
Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato
The rain was falling and I could not see
That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized
And left to drown in his sunny afternoon

I think the song addresses an experience many people have had-to be lost in and consumed by love to the extent that it “made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible”.  It is fitting that I chose this song considering the intense rain storm we had here today

this year i turned 29.  i am a prime.  my age that is.  i know that it’s odd for me to make a mathematical reference.  i thought about it because people are always trying to determine when you are in or out of the prime of your life.  how is it determined.  who sets the standards.  who reexamines them to ensure that they are not antiquated.  why can’t we do it for ourselves? why do we allow ourselves to live by someone else’s standards?

i am in my prime.  i am now–and intend to be for a great deal of time.  i am in my prime because i choose to be.  i live life consciously not only aware of myself, but aware of others.  i do not allow my past to dictate in finite terms my present or my future.  i am open. i am taking in all that life has to offer me and unleashing my unlimited potential.  i have it all ahead of me and i’m running towards it.  i am prime.