Existential Crisis

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

just when you think you’ve got things figured out, you’re starting to make sense of what life has placed in your path and you seem to find a clearing in the foggy haze of life–SURPRISE–

i’m not saying that all surprises are bad or un-welcomed, but COME ON!!! I know I’m just complaining and there are so many things in my life I should really just be in the holiday spirit and be thankful for, but I can’t.  I need to bitch and complain because if I didn’t then I’ve be subjecting you to a surprise and you really don’t want that either.

sidebar: i’m drinking a really great bottle (yes, bottle) of wine.  Moscato (my new favorite because it’s light, sweet and smooth going down) FYI the Asti version happens to be all bubbly & like a little celebration in a bottle.

with that i’ve already forgotten what i was complaining about. probably because i’m on my second glass….so take that!

there are reasons why i don’t particularly like talking to strangers.  1st of all you can’t trust people because they lie. it’s not necessarily that people intend on doing it, but if put in a situation where lying is advantageous; people will lie. more importantly, i don’t like strangers talking to me.  let me explain.

yesterday afternoon i was minding my own business and i received a phone call from a number that was not saved in my addressbook.  ordinarily, i do not even answer these calls because all sorts of crazy things can happen.  but, i did.  the woman on the other line asked me who i was.  had i not been totally engrossed in the Kardashian wedding episode i may have given her a witty response, but i needed to get back to the drama on tv (cuz that’s where the drama should be).  she claimed it was a wrong number and i went about my business.  three phone calls later i finally answer and crazy on the other end wants to know how i know a person she knows and this person is her baby daddy…

DRAMATIC PAUSE….deep breath…sigh

now, i could go on a tirade about how i end all conversations with men when i find out that they have children…it’s usually my 2nd or 3rd question on the list after where are you from and what do.  but i’m working on not being so compartmentalized (cuz Nessa makes fun of me).

after a 20 minute conversation she may have gotten the point.  maybe not, but i offered some advice.  if you have to go through some underhanded means to get a phone number out of someone’s phonebook–you probably have trust issues and are bound to ruin your relationship (whatever that may be).  if you call someone to find out how they know your “baby daddy” you should probably stop and think about where you are and where you want to be as a person AND what kind of example your decisions are providing your child.  if you think that acting like a psycho baby mama will help to bring your baby daddy closer pause for a moment and remind yourself that you are not on an episode of jerry springer.

i can’t wait to go on vacation

loosely defined as mental instability most commonly the repetition of an act with an expectation of varied results.  i must then be insane.  i keep doing the same thing with a hope that someone else would alter their actions.  this really makes no sense.  and sensibility i am definitely lacking at the moment.  *deep breath* for the last 7 years i’ve basically lived in Central PA.  i’ve been here for the birth of my nieces and experienced some interesting events in being here with them.  they truly are two little angels who have blessed my life, but they are not mine.  i was here when my brother was stabbed, rushed to the hospital and almost died.  luckily i was on a stint in florida when the idiot was charged and tried for attempted murder for his own stabbing.  there have been moments of great joy, sadness and disappointment balled up into the last 7 years here.  every time i think that i am ready to move on something keeps me here.  i don’t want to leave feeling like i am running away, but i am not sure how much longer i can handle all of this.  the emotional roller coaster that has become my surroundings are taxing and i pay enough to the government already!

maybe i just need a vacation.  maybe i need to learn to stop expecting that people don’t act they way that they do.  maybe i need to separate myself from all of the chaos.  maybe i still enjoy feeling that i’m needed all the while knowing that it takes more out of me than i ever get in return.

maybe i am crazy and if i took some pills it’ll make it all better because i would not care anymore and numbness does seem appealing today.