Existential Crisis

i once held firmly to the belief that we are all destined for greatness and the choices we made during our lifetimes would determine whether or not our destiny would be fulfilled.  at some point in my life i stopped believing in myself.  instead of seeking my own path-that which would lead to my fulfillment of dreams-i chose to become a facilitator of others dreams a catalyst towards their greatness.  sometimes i feel as though i should be satisfied with helping others.  for as long as i can remember i was taught that to helping someone else is infinitely better than being selfish and just doing for yourself.  i have to admit…i’m not happy.  and, worst of all, i feel guilty for not being happy about it.  i want to be happy with myself because without that i will never be happy with someone else.  i need to reevaluate my current road and reconfigure my GPS to lead me back onto my own path towards greatness

every morning “i am not my hair” by india aire plays on my playlist.  i have to admit that there are parts of me that would agree with the message within the song.  in fact, for a long time i held firm to the belief that my hair is an accessory–like my shoes–since i could change it just as easily.  over the past few weeks i’ve realized exactly how much of who i am remains intertwined with the boisterous curls or the straight shiny locks that fall to the middle of my back.  while i can not remember what my natural hair color actually is i vividly recall every hair cut (because they do not happen very often) which is usually a result of some seemingly drastic life change…

the day i found out my boyfriend was cheating i took a pair of kitchen shears to my mane and left a path of 10 inch bunches on the cold tile.

i was only 18, summer after my freshman year in college.  it was a hard year for me.  being away from everything familiar.  falling in love…and the resulting heartbreak.  realizing for the first time i was not as smart as everyone expected me to be.  the frustration heightened as i was submerged in the troubled dynamic of my sister’s marriage.  i chopped off my pigtails with some dollar store scissors and tossed them into the bathroom waste basked before showering and going to work at macys.

these are not the only instances, but they are arguably the most drastic.  every picture i have of myself my hair is long.  it’s like MY signature.  it’s time for me to create a new one because that is gone.

i shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat to step to
ok, but really it has been quite some time now since i’ve posted anything on my blog.  i have news, not grand news, but news.

• i’ve started my own business (and I’m so excited I just can’t hide it)
• i’m moving out–as soon as the remodel is complete (i’ve got this amazing design for the interior and i can’t wait to have a housewarming party)
• i’m going to finish school (save the i told you so’s)
• i’m fabulous

there it is…all my news (well mostly the important stuff)