Existential Crisis

this thing that has plagued my existence.  it’s the giant gorilla in the middle of the room dancing on the purple elephant’s back.  love is something i long for and barely understand.  i’m inspired and afraid.

It’s like I can’t seem to help myself, my mind wanders and then instantly I’m there. I never planned on venturing down that road, but one step leads to another and I’m so close that there is no point turning back so I press forward. I’m drawn to it. I should have learned by now to let it go & walk away. I’m not certain if it is my desire for knowledge, curiosity or a sixth sense. Somehow everytime I keep hoping that I’ll prove myself wrong, but I don’t…when will I learn?

i have a propensity to procrastinate (say that ten times fast).  perhaps i avoid the things i really don’t want to do, or more problematic, i postpone the necessary because i’m afraid of failing–which will ultimately happen with a lack of planning and execution.  i should stop and ask myself, self, do you realize that in stopping to write this blog post you are essentially practicing the act of procrastination rather that counteracting it by actually doing work…as i said, i should.  i won’t because that may be productive and that would no longer be procrastinating.  if nothing else i am consistent.  (i just had to take a moment to examine my hair to see if i have split ends and could justify a hair cut tomorrow–more procrastination).  it’s now 11pm and i rarely stay up this late.  i could have gone for karaoke because it would have been fun and i didn’t get the paper written anyway.  hmmm.  if i didn’t drink that WHOLE pot of coffee i would go to bed.  i’m not awake, i’m not able to sleep…i guess this is purgatory.

this year i turned 29.  i am a prime.  my age that is.  i know that it’s odd for me to make a mathematical reference.  i thought about it because people are always trying to determine when you are in or out of the prime of your life.  how is it determined.  who sets the standards.  who reexamines them to ensure that they are not antiquated.  why can’t we do it for ourselves? why do we allow ourselves to live by someone else’s standards?

i am in my prime.  i am now–and intend to be for a great deal of time.  i am in my prime because i choose to be.  i live life consciously not only aware of myself, but aware of others.  i do not allow my past to dictate in finite terms my present or my future.  i am open. i am taking in all that life has to offer me and unleashing my unlimited potential.  i have it all ahead of me and i’m running towards it.  i am prime.

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. -Leo Buscaglia

I’ve spent a significant amount of time over the last few weeks thinking about death.  I am not grieving, I have not recently lost anyone, but I know someone who has.  Death is an inescapable reality, but somehow it remains a difficult concept to comprehend.  The absence of life is easy, but death itself is more complex.  While some argue that after life the only existence left is the memory of those who remain I choose to believe/hope that there is more.  I’ve spent years engrossed in poetry that dealt with death, loss, suffering and grief.  I still have hope.  Regardless of the suffering I’ve seen or experienced I still have hope.