Existential Crisis

just when you think you’ve got things figured out, you’re starting to make sense of what life has placed in your path and you seem to find a clearing in the foggy haze of life–SURPRISE–

i’m not saying that all surprises are bad or un-welcomed, but COME ON!!! I know I’m just complaining and there are so many things in my life I should really just be in the holiday spirit and be thankful for, but I can’t.  I need to bitch and complain because if I didn’t then I’ve be subjecting you to a surprise and you really don’t want that either.

sidebar: i’m drinking a really great bottle (yes, bottle) of wine.  Moscato (my new favorite because it’s light, sweet and smooth going down) FYI the Asti version happens to be all bubbly & like a little celebration in a bottle.

with that i’ve already forgotten what i was complaining about. probably because i’m on my second glass….so take that!

as i sit here at the gym watching ever so impatiently as my nieces take their gymnastics class i realize my lacking virtue.  every one of these children that say mommy or daddy with that sing song high pitched voice eats away at my hardened exterior.  by the end of my two (yes TWO) hours here i will not be able to take my nieces home and give them a bath…nope, tonite they are going straight home to their mother.  maybe it has something to do with being back in school, working (ok, so it’s like 2 hours a day), and dealing with my family…mostly dealing with my family…that has me already stressed out that the company of a large group of ankle biters has me beyond frustrated.  this lil one just left the class crying because her drink would not work.  i want to smack the brat and say “there are children around the world who are starving, thirsty and would figure out how to get the damn drink out instead of throwing a tantrum”…i guess i can sit here and glare at her mother for the rest of the class for allowing that behavior since i kept my mouth shut.  ahhhhh, why do i do this to myself?

but then there are these two adorable black children who are with a white foster family and let’s just say that this toddler runs things! she has more personality than i thought possible in that little body and does not care what anyone else thinks…ahh, i think that was me in a previous life

yesterday evening i didn’t feel too well so i went to bed a bit earlier than usual (which means i was in bed before 7pm). i knew that going to sleep would mean i would be awake just after midnight ready to start my day and tired again before it actually began.  i found a novel i didn’t know i owned.  it was the type of book i generally would not read.  i’m not trying to come across as a literary snob because i am a fan of chic lit, but i oftentimes reconcile the genre as a modern reflection of the 19th century novels by women.  at any rate, there i was in bed reading a graphic ghetto novel.  by the third chapter i was entranced.  the writing style was basic, but that made it so much easier for me superimpose myself and my concept of the characters as i read.  by 11pm i lay the book back on the shelf smiling at the predictable but heartwarming ending.  i had laughed out loud and several times felt the tears welling up in my eyes.  i would not say this was the best novel i’d ever read, but last night i was moved by it.  maybe it had as much to do with my own life as it did the story as i could see parts of myself–my past, present and future–in the young heroine.  regardless, it was a reminder of why i love to read.  the joy i get from deeply submerging myself in the text and becoming something more that i ever imagined i could be is inexplicable.  within the finely crafted literature my life has intertwined with historical figures and fictional characters.  most importantly it is through the reflections of them that i learn more about myself and begin to see not only who i am, but who i long to be…

i got mail, not the sleepless in seattle kind.  it was a letter in a plain white envelope from somewhere i’ve never been and hope never to have to see.  a letter from one of pennsylvania’s state institutions.  this was not from a facility of higher education, but one of retribution and rehabilitation.  i never get letters from here, but that is for another post altogether.  a excerpt from the letter…

“Theres a library here, actually heres what we have, 1/4 mile race track (for jogging) handball court, basketball court, soccer field, softball field, horseshoes, bacci ball, indoor gym (free weights), outdoor gym (nautalus equipment), flat screen tv’s in our cells-cable is $15 a month, radio stations, cable on the block tho, food served like the LC, a library, a recording studio, arts and education, trade schools, autobody mechanics, masonry, college courses, a multicultural chapel…of course cells, but they are more like dorm rooms with closets etc”

gramatical errors aside, i find it really problematic that jail is basically like college except that you can’t leave.  while i have fundamental issues with our state and federal penal system in their systematic racism i have equally if not significantly bigger problems with the fact that the funding for these institutions remains steady (if not increasing) while state colleges and universities are faces with reduced budgets alongside significant decreases in federal aid and state grants.  i remember being at Bucknell University a few years ago when they switched over from free cable across campus to this box you had to pay for.  the cost was more than $15.00 per month.  the types of recreational activities described are similar to those available at most state colleges or universities throughout the US, the difference being that students are required to pay activity fees etc. to offset the costs.  i’m troubled by this letter, by what it means for the inequity in our social systems, by the fact that it seems to be getting worse rather than better.

apparently this is the time of year when people become depressed.  perhaps the lack of sunlight, the cold or the unbearable waiting for spring fashions to arrive from europe.  i think that show looks pretty.  it belongs on mountains, Christmas cards, and in those stupid little globe things with santa inside.  cold on the other hand is relatively useless once the temperature has reduced past the level of snow-making.  cold allows me to have a more expansive wardrobe and shoe collection (to ensure proper attire for all seasons), but the unnecessary coldness experienced over the last few days was unbearable.  under no circumstances should i be required to be fully dressed with a coat, hat, scarf, gloves, boots, and two pairs of socks just to check the mail (which is on the front porch just three steps from the door).  cold weather requires me to take longer showers-thus drying out my already temperamental dermis-and then putting on a protective coating of the thickest and most luxurious moisturizers before leaving the warmth of the bathroom just to have buttery smooth skin until i go out into the cold and it eats away my buttery smoothness.  so, unlike those people who get depressed i am just angry.  angry that i don’t own more adorable boots to wear in the winter, angry that even if i did i’d probably fall in the three inch heels like i did this morning (twice), angry that right now i’m in my room trying to keep warm from the heat of my computer, angry that tomorrow i will wake up and still not be able to wear the cute shoes i got from macy’s for only $20 because they are open toe…

the cold has made me an angry woman