Existential Crisis

below are the lyrics (most of them) to Eryka Badu’s song In Love with You featuring Lion.  i can specifically remember the first time i heard this song, who i was with, where we were and EXACTLY what was happening.  it’s one of those songs that transport you back through time and space bringing back a particular memory and uplifting your spirit.  i’m thankful for the memories i have with this song.  i was given a cd with this and a few other songs and whenever i hear any of them i can’t contain the smile that seems to radiate from within–in fact i might even be blushing right now.

And she says she needs more than a friend
That’s all I ever been yo
Well one day you gon’ overstand yo badu
And I remember the first time that we met yo
How could I forget
When you smiled
And I turned and said to you
Yo, your pure and true

I’m in love with you, in love with you
I’m in love with you, in love with you
I’m in love with you, in love with you
I’m in love with you, in love with you, yeah

I’m so in love baby
I don’t care what your mama say
Standing in love lady
And I don’t care what your sister say
Yo badu I need ya

He said he’s really diggin me
I don’t know what to say
I can’t imagine why I feel so weak, say, say
That’s when he took my heart in his hands
And kissed it gently
He open up his lips then said this poetry
I’m in love with you, love with you
Love with you, love with you
Love with you, love with you
Love with you, love with you

I’m so in love baby
I don’t care what your brothers say, no
I’m so in love baby
I don’t care what the people say

this is what love should be!!!!

Music: breathing of statues. Perhaps

silence of paintings. You language where all language

ends. You time

sanding vertically on the motion of mortal hearts.

Feelings for whom? O you the transformation

of feelings into what?–: into an audible landscape.

You stranger: music.  You heart-space

grown out of us.  The deepest space in us,

which, rising above us, forces its way out,–

holy departure:

when the innermost point in us stands

outside, as the most practiced distance, as the other

side of the air:

pure,

boundless,

no longer habitable.

TO MUSIC by Rainer Maria Rilke

I had this love affair with language.  It began as a crush–a fascination from afar.  Words made me smile.  Then I learned about syntax, grammar and how the use or intentional misuse could intensify meaning.  It was meaning I was after.  It is meaning I still long for.  The words themselves are but representation of a thought–an emotion, an attempt to solidify an abstract.  Every so often I go back to my first love.  We steal a moment to reminisce on what once was, but is no more.  Now that I’ve cheated on my true love the tainted memories of my past remind me of what I’ve lost and how good it was to have had it at all.  Experience has made it easier for me to understand the language–to feel the emotions evoked by the words, but in grasping the meaning the simple beauty of the words themselves begins to wane.

hi, my name is kendy.  i find intimacy problematic.  i have trouble connecting with people beyond the superficial.  i allow myself to get close to others without them getting close to me.  then, if you happen to get close i use my interesting skill-set to push you away and having you think you didn’t really want to be near me at all.  i do this knowingly, but it is more of an out of body experience because i see it happening in slow motion without being able to stop it.  recently it has become worse. hmmmmm.  my closest friends are scattered throughout the world and while technology has allowed us to keep in touch i am able to keep them at bay.  i won’t even begin to discuss relationships with men because i am starting to believe that i may very well be socially inept…

most people who believe they know me will find it rather surprising that i have certain prejudices and firmly held beliefs about caste and class.  while i am aware that some people may transcend their social status through hard work and a will to succeed, the “American Dream” happens to few.  there is a reason for this…within our capitalist society it is impossible to want something if it is easily attained so the rich stay rich so that the poor (including the poor who fail to comprehend their poverty-yes, that’s you the imagined middle class) continue to strive for the impossible.  now, what is most important here is the fact that when mating people seek a mate who has similar interests (and the rich understand that means financial interests above all others).  throughout history marriage has been more of a political and economic decision than based on the naivety of love.  within the caste system, degrees of separation between the different classes prevented the spark of romantic interest, but more importantly the responsibility to ones family removed all chance of marriage (albeit illicit romance did occur, but rarely led to more).  so, for people who strive to improve their social standing through marriage.  it is difficult, but not impossible.  the Cinderella story that little girls dream exists solely within that blissful state of sleep where anything remains possible.

in a conversation with a friend today i realized that i have had little interest in meeting anyone new (although it would be nice to have some human interaction on occasion) because i’m been taking the time to date myself.  over the last 7 years i’ve been involved in “relationships” that made it easy for me to lose myself.  now, i’m taking the time to find out what it is that i truly love, what my favorite things are, where i see myself in 5 or 10 years, what moves me, what makes me cry, and whatever else it is i would normally want to know about someone else.  i know that i love myself, but i want to be in love with myself–not to the point of complete narcissism, but enough that i can allow someone else to love me without being dependent upon it.

that said, i am still accepting dinner invitations because a girl still has to eat!