Existential Crisis

I don’t know if I should call it insecurity or fear or if it’s foreshadowing, but I have this feeling and I can’t seem to get my head past it. My heart keeps pushing, but our past has my mind racing. I can’t deny the part I’ve played and you know my faults much better than I do. You see me more clearly than I see myself. You are realistic in your expectations of me & knowing everything you still love me. I never thought that we’d be in this place-where I no longer feel like I deserve you. So, here I am wondering if maybe you know that you should expect more and I’ll never be able to amount to that. I look into your eyes and all I see is love. I don’t understand how, but that’s all…just love.

if i were to see a psychologist i might be told that i have a superhero complex which causes me to seek out relationships where i can save someone.  it’s true.  i feel like i have to save everyone.  i’m maternal and protective and in some instances i really do try to save people.  i’m not a superhero-not even close.  i have to stop trying to make everyone and everything better.  it’s wears me out.  i’m exhausted from these gravity defying feats, these superhuman skills and this expectations that my tank never runs dry.  i completely understand why evil sometimes overcomes because being good all of the time is draining.  not that i’m going to change and be bad.  i’m still going to be good, i just can’t be everyone else’s good.

I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately…by music I mean that I’ve got an interesting collection of Pandora stations that vary from jazz, bluegrass, classical, classic rock, 80’s dance/pop/electronica, dance, hip-hop, r&b and salsa.  My favorites are the smooth and sultry sounds of 1920’s-1950’s crooners.  I also love the poetics of Jill Scott and the sense of emotion she portrays in her songs.  Today this particular section of the song Love Rain made me smile.

The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging my eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens
The mistake was made
Love slipped from my lips
Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap
And us became new
Now me non-clairvoyant and in love
Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible
The rain was falling
And I couldn’t see the season changing
And the vibe slipping off it’s axis
Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato
The rain was falling and I could not see
That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized
And left to drown in his sunny afternoon

I think the song addresses an experience many people have had-to be lost in and consumed by love to the extent that it “made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible”.  It is fitting that I chose this song considering the intense rain storm we had here today

that’s what i overheard at the tavern today as i ate my lunch.  it came from a group of women aged late 50’s to 70’s.  what is it about dating that can scare women of any age?

“well, you have many men…you just aren’t dating any”

yes, that was another comment i probably was not meant to hear.  i can relate more than i think i should.  these are women have been married, bore and raised children, had careers and lived the greater portion of their lives.  why would they be fearful of dating? what is it about dating that does this to us?  i wish i had the answer, but at least i have the question…

yesterday was valentines day.  by wednesday it will be 75% off and i am sure that they already have the easter candy out too.  the quote for valentines day would have to be when pastor john williams said “all the single ladies, all the single ladies” in church…i almost fell out! i spent my day with some lovely ladies and had a great time chatting it up after lunch (we must have sat there for another 30-40 minutes after we finished eating).  i didn’t feel lonely for most of my day, but then around 10pm something changed.  i probably should have gone to bed at 9…well, i have decided that i am not single! i refuse to allow a word that is synonymous with loneliness describe my current state.  i am available.  yes, that’s right…AVAILABLE, but who knows for how long.

now that we’re done discussing yet another consumer holiday and how disappointing it is…my birthday is in about 2 weeks. my plans include a trip to philly with some friends to chill, a trip to cali for some sun and my new bold and beautiful blackberry.