Existential Crisis

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

I don’t pay as much attention to the politics of my homeland. I probably should, but today was election day I have heard that the political system is wrought with corruption and excessive abuses of power. I’m not surprised, but listening to the commentary from newscasters about the elections I am inclined to learn more. The political atmosphere has a direct impact on the social structure and since I’m studying the sociology of the caribbean as written in contemporary literature it necessitates an understanding of the politics. Guess I have some studying to do.

I just downloaded the wordpress for blackberry app. Why didn’t I do this before? Why didn’t I know this existed? Oh well, why isn’t important, because NOW I have it. This means 1) I can blog from everywhere so 2) you have more to read and 3) there is a possibility that the quality of my content will decrease (I’ll try to avoid this)

I’m so excited about this.

if i were to see a psychologist i might be told that i have a superhero complex which causes me to seek out relationships where i can save someone.  it’s true.  i feel like i have to save everyone.  i’m maternal and protective and in some instances i really do try to save people.  i’m not a superhero-not even close.  i have to stop trying to make everyone and everything better.  it’s wears me out.  i’m exhausted from these gravity defying feats, these superhuman skills and this expectations that my tank never runs dry.  i completely understand why evil sometimes overcomes because being good all of the time is draining.  not that i’m going to change and be bad.  i’m still going to be good, i just can’t be everyone else’s good.

that’s what i overheard at the tavern today as i ate my lunch.  it came from a group of women aged late 50’s to 70’s.  what is it about dating that can scare women of any age?

“well, you have many men…you just aren’t dating any”

yes, that was another comment i probably was not meant to hear.  i can relate more than i think i should.  these are women have been married, bore and raised children, had careers and lived the greater portion of their lives.  why would they be fearful of dating? what is it about dating that does this to us?  i wish i had the answer, but at least i have the question…