Existential Crisis

this thing that has plagued my existence.  it’s the giant gorilla in the middle of the room dancing on the purple elephant’s back.  love is something i long for and barely understand.  i’m inspired and afraid.

I don’t know if I should call it insecurity or fear or if it’s foreshadowing, but I have this feeling and I can’t seem to get my head past it. My heart keeps pushing, but our past has my mind racing. I can’t deny the part I’ve played and you know my faults much better than I do. You see me more clearly than I see myself. You are realistic in your expectations of me & knowing everything you still love me. I never thought that we’d be in this place-where I no longer feel like I deserve you. So, here I am wondering if maybe you know that you should expect more and I’ll never be able to amount to that. I look into your eyes and all I see is love. I don’t understand how, but that’s all…just love.

It’s like I can’t seem to help myself, my mind wanders and then instantly I’m there. I never planned on venturing down that road, but one step leads to another and I’m so close that there is no point turning back so I press forward. I’m drawn to it. I should have learned by now to let it go & walk away. I’m not certain if it is my desire for knowledge, curiosity or a sixth sense. Somehow everytime I keep hoping that I’ll prove myself wrong, but I don’t…when will I learn?

i find myself in a particular state more often that i thought possible.  i’m not certain if there are increasingly more triggers or that the same ones that have always existed happen to be more prevalent in my life, but this state of frustration i visit regularly.  i wish it were a destination i rarely happen to make it to, but it’s more like a weekly & sometimes daily excursion.  every so often i can revisit this place several times within a 24 hour period so maybe it’s a matter of my only thinking that i left when in fact i just happened to be on the outskirts. i wish i could spend less time there.  it’s not like a Caribbean getaway, unless that getaway occurred during the peak of hurricane season with a category 5 about to hit followed by a tsunami and mudslides.  occasionally i find myself drifting towards the location all day long, fighting the magnetism and finally giving in only to find that i want to SCREAM, but i’m surrounded my people who still seem to think i’m relatively sane (they don’t know me that well) and would not be able to handle the nervous breakdown i feel entitled to have on a regular basis.  i would go to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me, but that would require that i have medical insurance so i’ll continue to self mediate with my favorite bottle glass of wine that doubles as an iron absorption enhancer among other remedies…

just when you think you’ve got things figured out, you’re starting to make sense of what life has placed in your path and you seem to find a clearing in the foggy haze of life–SURPRISE–

i’m not saying that all surprises are bad or un-welcomed, but COME ON!!! I know I’m just complaining and there are so many things in my life I should really just be in the holiday spirit and be thankful for, but I can’t.  I need to bitch and complain because if I didn’t then I’ve be subjecting you to a surprise and you really don’t want that either.

sidebar: i’m drinking a really great bottle (yes, bottle) of wine.  Moscato (my new favorite because it’s light, sweet and smooth going down) FYI the Asti version happens to be all bubbly & like a little celebration in a bottle.

with that i’ve already forgotten what i was complaining about. probably because i’m on my second glass….so take that!